After giving birth I wasn’t allowed
to move for a few hours because I had an epidural, obviously I couldn’t feel my
legs or anything. Michael went up and
seen Kaycee whilst I was spending time with Corrie. This is where our differences where. I had spent time with Corrie and bonded with
her and Michael was with Kaycee bonding with her. I found it easier with Corrie but I think
that’s because I knew she couldn’t hurt me as much as Kaycee could.
It wasn’t the first time I had been
in SCBU because the day before I got shown around and got everything
explained. I remember meeting a little
lady called Faith, I remember thinking wow she’s tiny but so gorgeous. I couldn’t get over how small a baby could
be and be so perfect. I never stopped
talking about baby Faith all that night, I wanted to go see her again but
obviously I couldn’t.
The nurses took me up in wheelchair
to see Kaycee, and even though I had seen Faith the day before I was a little
bit frightened, but looking forward to seeing my other girl.
I remember getting into the room and
I felt sick, I felt like the room was tiny and that everyone was staring at
me. I remember trying to stand from the
wheelchair and then suddenly sitting and asking the nurses to get me some
water. I was horrified. I looked at Kaycee and burst into
tears. I was so upset because Kaycee
didn’t look like Corrie. Mainly because
she was hooked up to a ventilator and had wires everywhere. I was heartbroken because I remembered how
tiny Faith was and Kaycee was very tiny compared, I don’t know why that upset
me so much but I was very upset by it. I
remember whispering to Michael that I wanted to go back downstairs, he asked me
why and I didn’t know why, but then I kind of shouted it and told him I need to
go downstairs Corrie needs me. I felt
scared weak and just wanted to see Corrie lying peacefully in bed. Its not that I didn’t like Kaycee I was very
scared. Most people who have experienced
this will realise what I mean. The whole
walking into the room, seeing a baby that’s way too early hooked up to many
machines with wires hanging out everywhere was terrifying.
I didn’t go back up to Kaycee again
till late evening, once I had got my head round the whole situation. This
time was a bit easier, it felt like we was the only people in the room. I walked over to Kaycee and looked at
her. I couldn’t believe how tiny she
was, but yet so perfect. The nurse came
over and asked me if I wanted to touch her.
I didn’t think you were allowed to.
I remember washing my hands thinking what if I break her. Putting my hand in for the first time was
like putting your hand in something off I’m a Celeb, pulling it back and egging
yourself on to touch the object inside, it was very scary. I touched her hand and couldn’t believe that
she gripped me, her whole hand covered just my finger nail. Her hands were perfect with tiny little nails
on. She felt so soft and light to
touch. I instantly fell in love. Even though I loved her I still didn’t feel
like she was mine. I had already felt
robbed of a pregnancy and of Corrie, I just couldn’t accept that she was
mine.
Everything felt so surreal. At the time of this we was so naive to all
the situation and never had much medical background to it all, which I feel
knowing what we know now was probably the best situation to be in. To be a parent that looks like a rabbit
trapped in headlights, to think that its ok get to your due date and you can
take your baby home, no problems and live your life like it was planned. I wish it was so simple like that.
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