Spending precious time with an Angel.

The girls were born on a Thursday, so over the course of the next few days I was able to spend a lot of time with Corrie.  

We decided that we would agree to a post-mortem examination to determine the true cause of death.  We knew what she died off but just for clarification that no other aspect had contributed to it.   We also wanted it for research reasons, due to TTTS not being a curable disease, just to help the medics understand it a bit more and like most things in life find out if anything can stop it in the future.  

The next few days were surreal, I had met Kaycee but was petrified by everything surrounding her (will explain my experience with Kaycee later), and I wanted to spend loads of time with Corrie.  I used to joke and say that I had a daughter in the fridge (as Corrie was placed in their in order for her body to stay the same after she had passed) & because Kaycee was in an incubator nice and warm I used to say she was in the oven.  I know that sounds weird but that’s the only way I could cope with it. 

Even though I couldn’t do much with her like some families can with a still born like bathing, dressing etc.  It was nice to see her all cuddled in her basket, she looked like she was fast asleep, and she looked so peaceful and beautiful.   On the other hand it was hard to see her like this but when I was with her I felt better but it was very upsetting, the tears and pain was unbearable.  

Over the next few days it was heart breaking.   I would find myself sitting near Kaycee and blaming myself, I would cry myself to sleep; I would burst into tears just at nothing.   I found it so hard to deal with.   The only comfort I had was I knew I could bring Corrie out and just sit and stare at her.   I remember the smell of the room, and to this day if I smell it, I say “Corrie Smell” (fresh leather, due to the room being newly decorated).  I loved that smell, I found myself just sitting there cuddling the sofa and looking at Corrie.   I found so much comfort in that.   I have even recently bought a new leather sofa now, so I can smell the “Corrie smell” (suppose it’s a good excuse for a new one too eh?)  

One night I got talking to an amazing lady, called Emma.  She had just had a baby girl, who may I add looked huge next to Kaycee.  Before I got to know Emma I used to call Jessica the giant of SCBU.  Well a 4lb baby compared to a 1lb scrap was HUGE!! Ha.

She told me about her previous pregnancy before Jessica, baby Thomas, he was still born (a single pregnancy and full term), I remember thinking wow she’s amazing, at least I still have Kaycee.  We stood and spoke for hours about her experience and mine now.  I found so much comfort in it all.   I remember getting back to the room and crying, feeling selfish for moaning at her.  It was the most surreal experience.  That night I had the weirdest dream ever.    I dreamt that I was walking down this white corridor crying holding a baby boy with his name beginning with “T”, I was shaking cause I was so cold & I meant cold to the point of freezing.  But then all of a sudden I felt this sudden burst of happiness.

In the morning I woke and I was sweating.  It was freaky, because what I hadn’t realised until then & when Michael spoke to me is that I had woken up crying my eyes out, cupping my hands saying I was holding a baby, I was ice cold and had wondered onto the ward searching for blankets.   After speaking to someone who believed in spirits and afterlife etc they told me Corrie was giving me a hug that’s why my body was so cold.   I do not believe in things like this but by eck it will never go out of my mind that dream.  I had a few after that but nothing like that one. 

We had a lovely lady who helped us the whole way through it and without her I don’t think I could have done it.  She was just amazing.   She sorted everything from the Birth Certificate (or Still Born in Corrie’s case) to the full funeral arrangements for Corrie.   If I needed to let off steam and moan about the most irrelevant things, she sat there held my hand and never once butted in, never gave me her opinion was just simply there for a shoulder to cry on.   She really was my guardian angel. 

Corrie’s date for going down for post-mortem was Monday, saying Goodbye that morning was worse than anything I have ever done, because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to just take her out of the “Fridge” I knew that this was goodbye forever.   I remember crying so hard it hurt.   I had to get away from everyone and be on my own.   I ran out of the ward and down this long horrible corridor to the main building.   I remember stopping, gasping to breathe through my tears and sitting.   I hadn’t realised I had ran into the Hospital Chapel.   (I am not a religious person and never been to a church unless its been wedding, funeral etc)  My tears stopped and again I felt happy.   I must have been there for hours because when I got Michael looked at me, he looked worried.   He told me I had been gone for over 2 hours.

1^st October 2010, the date of Corrie’s funeral.   It was a very wet day, I remember everyone getting to our hospital accommodation (as that’s where we was staying at the time with being so far from home) early, I was so upset by this because I wanted to be on my own, wanted to get dressed on my own and just wanted to be alone.   I was that cut up I remember giving the wrong turning to my mum to get to the Crem, which caused problems as they got lost.  But I just could function.   I couldn’t believe that I had to go to my own daughter’s funeral.  I was numb.    We had Corrie Cremated because we was out of the area and the only other option was to put her in the baby garden with other little angels.   But I personally didn’t want this for her.  She was ours, well Kaycee’s really as she had spent more time with her.   So we decided this will be best.    Hopefully when Kaycee is better either this year or October 2013 we are opening a grave up and having her ashes put in and getting a lovely stone for her.  That way we can have a lovely place to visit.  Our original plan was to let Kaycee choose where to put her but knowing our girl she would decide Mcdonalds or something silly.  We wanted somewhere all the family could go to visit whenever they wanted, at the moment she resides at her Grandma&Grandads because I didn’t want her to be home alone (silly eh).    Back to the day, much of it was a blur.  We had an amazing Chaplin who had gotten to know us over the month that went by, and he made it so personal it was just a gorgeous send off for a perfect angel.   We had two gorgeous songs “Time to Say Goodbye” & “Unbreakable” both suited down to the ground.   Her tiny coffin was gorgeous and all the flowers.   I felt very heartbroken but I knew she would be safe.   The whole day (considering) was lovely and I am glad I got to meet my gorgeous angel Corrie Brooks. 

R.i.P baby girl mummy&daddy love you and miss u more everyday. xxx